The Mental Load That Comes with Trying to Conceive
Highly planned uncertainty
There is a significant mental load for those who are constantly preparing themselves for their parenting journey. Partly this can be attributed to a sense of permanent uncertainty. Should you book an overseas trip for your summer break? Should you take the promotion at work? Is it okay to eat whatever you like, or to have that glass of champagne at the party? With the potential for your life to change significantly in the coming years, but no solid knowledge of when or if that will come to be, the weight can seem unbearable.
In addition to the uncertainty, conceiving can involve a fair bit of planning and logistics. For couples who have been trying to conceive for some time, there is also a mental load associated with the regular appointments, weighing up fertility treatment options, tracking of ovulation and menstrual cycle calendars, and monitoring of diet. Unfortunately, most of this load tends to be carried by the woman. If there have been miscarriages along the way, there is also added grief and anxiety for both parents.
Cause and Effect
Holding onto this mental load can cause marital upset, depression and anxiety, which can, quite cruelly, cause more problems with conception.
What follows is a sense of guilt, which doesn’t help the situation either. Adding to this, many couples experience social stigma – real or perceived – when they don’t present a child to a world that expects this of them. Again, this can cause low self esteem and a sense of failure, leading to mental health problems.
So much doom and gloom, but there are things we can do to lessen this weight.
1. Share the Load
An important way to avoid an unbearable mental load is to ignore the concept of taboo and to be frank about what you’re going through.
While it might be painful to talk about, being open to family and friends about where you’re at can be the tonic for these feelings. Your loved ones may also be able to step in and help with other areas of your life, leaving you more mental capacity for your conception journey.
It is also imperative that communication is kept open between both partners. While things are changing in this respect, men feel the pressure to hold back their feelings, and ‘suck it up’ – an unhealthy habit that helps no one. Talk, talk, talk and let the emotions flow. They are better out than in and once the emotions are clear, couples can move back to a more logical, pragmatic mindset.
2. Take It To the Professionals
An important way to avoid an unbearable mental load is to ignore the concept of taboo and to be frank about what you’re going through.
While it might be painful to talk about, being open to family and friends about where you’re at can be the tonic for these feelings. Your loved ones may also be able to step in and help with other areas of your life, leaving you more mental capacity for your conception journey.
It is also imperative that communication is kept open between both partners. While things are changing in this respect, men feel the pressure to hold back their feelings, and ‘suck it up’ – an unhealthy habit that helps no one. Talk, talk, talk and let the emotions flow. They are better out than in and once the emotions are clear, couples can move back to a more logical, pragmatic mindset.
3. Lean on the Experts
Fertility experts have vast experience in treating single parents and couples who are trying to conceive. They will be able to reassure, draw on similar previous experiences and suggest alternative options when the time comes to try something different.
The field of fertility treatment is progressing all the time and while many people don’t have a clear answer as to why they have fertility delays or problems, researchers are constantly learning.
Talk to your gynaecologist and discuss the best way to achieve a family.
Keep perspective
Remember that what you are going through is difficult and you are allowed to feel upset about it. Acknowledging your feelings and expressing them in a safe way is important. Knowing you are not alone is also helpful.
In recent years, the challenges of baby loss have been in the spotlight due to the openness of celebrity couples such as John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, who lost a baby in 2020. Other famous faces such as Paris Hilton, Anne Hathaway and Nicole Kidman have been frank about their IVF and surrogacy journeys. Many of these stories have a happy ending – hold onto the hope, and in the meantime, share that load. Your shoulders are only so big.
